Change.  

What does it take?

How do I do it?  

Why does it seem so hard?

Is it just me or does the idea of change rank right up there next to public speaking on the fear scale?

Every little issue becomes over amplified.  You fear losing parts of you.  You fear the end result. Those are the fears that need to be broken down in order for you to rise up.  When I get restless and full of angst.  I know that some part of my person or my life, needs to and is going to change.  It doesn’t happen over night, there is a brewing period that normally involves an extended amount of time stuck in angst and emotional discomfort, before the realization of that change.

On the upside, as I get older and more invested in improving all aspects of my life.  I have begun to realize and recognize the symptoms of this emotional constipation.  It’s taken a lot of practice and many, less than spectacular reactions to figure out the simple things that send me into an unhappy weighted down, sluggish, negative tail spin of projected anger and blame.

In the beginning I was desperately searching for a step by step guide, a simple walk through of what changes I needed to make.  Which aspects of my life or personality I needed to change and how to do it.  The more searching I did, the more the changes started to seem insurmountable.  The more I tried to take on.  The more discouraged I became.

What I didn’t realize was, that, within all that searching, discouragement and perceived failure, there was a little fire ever so slowly trying to burn.  Lightly fed drips of oxygen, as I applied what I learned,  just enough to keep the embers warm.  Every time I failed, that slow burn of desire, desperation and obsession, unbeknownst to me, was puffing life into my static, complacent existence.

Still, every step I made, every video I watched, every blog or article I read.  Seemed broad, vague, indecisive and confusing.  Nothing really direct.  I was essentially looking for a step by step guide, a definitive starting point for problems that have a multitude of beginnings and endings.  It’s like being in a choose your own adventure, but not having any confidence in the decisions you make.  Constantly hoping that you don’t fall down a cavern, ending up in a looping reality of unconquerable mistakes.

Since there is no “start here” square or direct path to follow, like in a board game.  I always wonder if the choices I make and my actions are working.  That I’m applying what I have learned the way it was meant to be received and that I am actually making changes.  Not just telling myself I am.

I have to gauge my interactions when I’m in the process of progress.  I have noticed that points of conflict are where I find the most improvement and the best tangible results.  Most of the conflict comes from complacency.  Complacency comes when you forget there is a life to live and world to enjoy.

Don’t be ignorant like me and a assume that you are under qualified.  Under educated, under skilled or just plain unable to make drastic lasting changes.  You can absolutely effect your situation, your mindset, your physical appearance and your attitude.  There is no one to ten, step by step list.  You already know what the answer to your questions are.  There is only one step that needs to be taken.  It’s really simple.  You take that same step every day, every interaction, every exchange and in every moment of self reflection.  

You have to take action!

You can take all the self improvement courses.  Watch all the videos.  Read all the books.  Bookmark your favorite blog and constantly review all of it for hints and tips.  Maybe find some little nugget of info that you didn’t catch the first time.  The bottom line is, no matter how much information you try to ingest and digest.  You have to put that information to use and put in the work for the information to be of use to you.

I spent a lot of time trying to find the secret to feeling better.  I had a lot of ups and downs.  A lot of frustrating moments, where it seemed that nothing was going to get better.  I was never going to feel better.  Even more moments of feeling like a failure.  

It’s the little deposits you make into the bank of you, that ultimately afford you the life you want.  The personal clarity and control you are attempting to achieve is very attainable.  You can do it and you can have that elusive comfortable, happy, stable, life style .  

You just need to actually do the things you are thinking about.  Change that little voice in your head from a “negative Nelly” to your biggest cheerleader.  Then watch, as you start making different choices, applying comparative positive actions, you will find yourself looking at your surroundings through a newly brightened lens.  And yes that just does all of a sudden happen.  

Colours start to get a little brighter, your home starts to feel more comfortable and warm, your relationships seem to become easier.  Yup it’s like a new relationship, because it is.  You have reintroduced yourself to you.  You have spent the time getting to know you again.  Personal development is understanding and exploring you.  Take action, make those deposits into the bank of you!